Another Spring Classic, As In Classical Freudian Oedipus Complex

"His destiny moves us only because it might have been ours — because the Oracle laid the same curse upon us before our birth as upon him. It is the fate of all of us, perhaps, to direct our first sexual impulse towards our mother and our first hatred and our first murderous wish against our father. Our dreams convince us that this is so."
                                                          Lance's Ladies Line-Up

Which one of these bitches does Lance really long for? Sure as hell ain't that labrodor. 

What Could I Say To Make The UCI Sue Me

                                    Patty Practising The Vulcan Mind Meld

Face it, anyone who writes a blog wants to be read. It isn't the reason I make up this rediculous ridicule but I will admit my favorite thing is to check the stats. That is until I asked a friend what kind of traffic his blog attracts. His answer was something like 80 thousand unique visits each post. I was amazed. Seriously though this guy has a real blog and I only write an occasional good paragraph but JESUS that's a lot of hits. You'd think the guy'd get laid more often but he lives in his moms basement with a couple cats forty bikes and a record collection that keeps him busy re-alphabeticalizing vinyl when he's not writing so he a little short on time.
But to the point, how's a guy like me and by like me I mean an Idiot, get readers when I offer really nothing new to the story?
Start some shit that's how. I figure if I could get the UCI to sue me for liable like Patty McQuaid's suing Floyd my blog views would go from basically nothing to almost something.
So here goes;

When Patty speaks people listen. Especially when he's telling you just how much of a donation he's expecting from each one of your team members. This UCI shit ain't free son.

The Rapture Is Upon Us My Cycling Friends

It's Over, George Hincapie Is Bullet Proof

“Look at all the fans out here; the race is doing awesome,” said Hincapie. “It has incredible support and incredible sponsors. I believe in cycling. I believe in what cycling has done. I believe cycling has done more than any other sport to make it a clean sport. Why can’t we focus on that?”

Because George nobody cares about cycling in the US of A. They only care about the story. You know the one; Texas bike racer and cancer survivor beats the odds to become the greatest professional cyclist of all time.
Starts a foundation in his name to help those stricken with what he went through. Has a big run on hot women including a rock star who all look way too much like his mother. 
That's what has brought cycling to the attention of main stream America. Not the sport but the drama.
 Well we'll all be eating this Shitstorm up with a spoon now that Hincapie has testified to the Feds that He and Lance have been bumping the Juice all this time. Hincapie has no motive but to tell the truth and like Lance never tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. You can not touch his credibility. He Is Lance Proof.

Tyler Hamilton, Back For More

Someone who thinks they have anything new to add to this story of doper coming clean about how he did what he did because Lance taught him or how everyone was doping, or what ever the fuck, is just grasping for straws. 60 minutes is pandering to a demographic as old and disconnected as Andy Rooney is about trimming his eye brows.

Anyone who gives a shit about cycling, who races, who once raced, who rides his or her heart out just to suffer for suffering sake and still believes Lance was EVER clean must still believe in
                                                    FUCKING SANTA CLAUSE

What Was I Just Saying About Responsible Bike Riding

Friday I thought I'd not be riding Saturday because it was going to rain. It did and I didn't. So I feel for you boys. Profesional or not, that's no stage I'd ride.

And neither is this one---but somebody did.

The UCI Are Being Dicks Again

                                       Voted Most Likely To Succeed Cheat

“This is another example of the UCI being unwilling to play ball with its constituents and partners,” said Vaughters. “I’ve been on record saying that the UCI needs broader representation from riders and teams, and it needs to look for ways to delegate responsibility for anti-doping controls to avoid conflicts of interest.”

 Amgen Tour of California is unwatchable anyway.
 Radio Stack riders Chris Horner and Levi Leipheimer have been sandbagging this race for years now taunting a few domestic pro teams along with some European teams that didn't make the Giro cut. It's like Super Week without the office park crits and a few less Dirty Italians chopping the corners.
Although the man to beat, Levi, got beat last time that won't happen again this year. Unless he didn't time his peak right again. But no worries Horner's there to pick up any Radio Slack.
Fuck it, I'm riding instead of watching racing.

The Hardest Part About Friday The 13th Waking Up On Saturday The 14th

Do you feel yucky punk? Yes I probably will. I’m seriously thinking about tequila for the 13^th. I have a close and personal relationship with the Agave’ and lime. So much so that once I saw god on the Tequila punched the little bitch in the face then fucked his girlfriend. The next morning I awoke to a swollen fist and a screaming case of herpes. Obviously god has a hard head and bad taste in women. The herpes went away but my hand still hurts and from what I hear that’s more than fair. Devine intervention I suppose. God knew he had it coming and gave me a pass. Or did he? Maybe there will be a round two? But whatever happens on Friday there needs to be a Saturday and Saturday is about long suffering on a road machine and making circles on the cycle. Unless of course it’s raining. Nothing but fair weather suffering here, don’t want to get wet, that would be irresponsible.

　

GOD IS DEAD!

No slap on the wrist this time. Barry Bonds just got convicted of lying to the Fed's. But Lance and Company? This has to do with money, a lot of money. Lying to Congress is like a married man lying to his wife or mistress or both. Sure it pisses them off  but they kind of expect it and as long as he pays the cash penalty when caught and promises not to do it again he walks away a free man. But get caught taking money from the purse and your in the dog house. Or in Lance's case, The Big House. The Federal Government hates it when anyone gets away with someones cash especially with an in your face law suit to get Dat Money!
Bonds just got big then hit a bunch of homers lied in some bullshit meeting on The Hill went to court and spent a bunch of his own money never admitting to anything got fined and walked away.
Lance and Tailwind took 5 million of some insurers money. The hands of insurance companies are so deep in the pockets of anyone who keeps their job by being "elected" that American Icon or not, Lance Armstrong Is Going Down Like A Drunk Freshmen At Her First Fraternity Party.
My only hope is he walks into Federal Prison on the 4th of July 2012.

I Wish A Tragic Loss On No One

                                                             RIP Wouter Weylandt

I have the authority to tell you about grieving. You don't get the details, I'll only say I lost some loved ones in a horrific instant. For anyone who has experienced an unreasonable death of someone they love you will concur; it is a pain that is physical and metaphysical.
 Tyler Farrar held his shit together well today, riding in his friends honor but now he just wants to get the fuck out of there. I know exactly what he feels. There are things you HAVE to do in the terrible event of tragic death and he came through like a champ. Now he will try to get on with it the best he can but it ain't easy. How he finds his way is all up to him. Some do better than others but no one ever gets over it.
I hope all Wouter's people find what I did, what it really means to walk around each day. How the little shit does not fucking matter and that it's okay to just stop and let it all go whenever you need.

There Is Some Good Shit Out There

                                                                Ahead of the Field

It's just good medicine right?

Just ask your local doc if she can help. Is there a duck in the room?

Safety of PRP remains to be an issue since increases GF in a local area may be a cancer promoting effects.Other concern is the use of bovine thrombin in activating the PRP release to cause immunogenic reaction. So far most of published data showed it is safe to use the product, however, future study in this area is certainly needed.


Bovine Thrombin

The 'H' is for Heifer

But there's no need to talk to your doctor.

Next time you get your ass kicked in the cat 3-4 race think about what you need to do to be competitive.
Because that multi vitamin and Endurox just ain't gonna cut it anymore.

High Priced Cool Is Hard to Maintain

  Maybe they should have just stuck with the wool jersey that had a beer mug on it.

In our relentless quest to provide superior wool garments, we have at times resorted to some less than completely tested science. As can be expected with any experimentation, there is an element of risk involved when pushing the envelope. In this case, our efforts to produce the next super-wool had the unfortunate contingent side effect of propagating an outbreak of zombie sheep.

Understandably, this has caused some unforeseen complications for our day to day operations. Therefore, it is with great regret that we have to temporarily suspend our regular business operations. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause, but please bear with us.

We're confident that this outbreak will be contained in an orderly fashion and once we clean up the remains and make sure to burn everything, we will be back to business as usual (albeit with a few changes in our operating structure).

Keep an eye on this space; we will be back up and running before you can say "ovine listerial meningoencephalitis." Stay tuned!

The Little Mennonite Who Could

                                                   Possibly bring down the UCI   

It's obvious that the UCI has no real interest in helping enforce international law unless it benefits it's own bottom line.                                 

 "Alexander Vinokourov, Iban Mayo and Cristian Moreni have been cleared criminal charges stemming from doping violations that occurred during the 2007 Tour de France, it was announced by the public prosecutor in Pau, France, on Thursday." velonews

"However in the absence of evidence, and the UCI’s refusal to hand over blood or urine samples that would prove they had broken French law, presiding judge Céline Pages-Couderc said she had no option but to clear all three riders of any wrongdoing, according to the public prosecutor for Pau, Jean-Christophe Muller." velonews

The UCI suing Floyd is the best thing that could happen if Dick Pound got behind Landis. (that sentence is hilarious)
Anyway, the UCI is stepping on it's dick with this move of suing Floyd in Swiss court. It's a lose, lose for
Old Patty McQuaid. If they win in court, which they probably will due to the home field advantage, then what have the won? There's not much of anything the UCI can do. If the UCI loses then a loss is a loss. Either way the cockroaches have turned the light on themselves.

Country "Star" Voted Most Likely to Run Down a Cyclist With A Tractor

      Redneck Pop "Music" and the worst thing I've ever witnessed.

Saturday was ridiculous. I found my calling in the entertainment business. It's 'A-2' which is fancy bullshit for audio helper. I don't have to know anything about audio yet still get the attention of all the groupies. But in the case of Saturdays Nascar pre-race concert featuring Rodney Atkins 90% of the female fans all had breast tattoos of roses that at one point in time were of a climbing type but now have sagged into the long stem variety. Sad I know but whats sadder is that my once erotic vision of a woman with no teeth has forever been ruined by actually seeing what really bad oral hygiene does to a girl.

Look Who's Talking

Squeezing the Shitstorm from Dr. Blood

                                                                      Photo: © AFP
 on another note; I'm trying to do a better job of crediting copy written shit and story sources. Not that I want to profit from ridicule, it's just me being nice---but only this one time.

Sunday With The Dark Lord

Two Wheels and One Dark Lord is where it all started.
The evil step-father of cycling blogs for 10 years has been the bench mark of consistency. With two dozen contributors added over the years it's the first read each day for cyclist all over the US. Catching us up on everything from cycling history, current doping Douchebags, local AZ to international racing and the horror of 'rider down.' Once a boys club with daily porn links it cleaned up the act about 5 years ago and just last year added the first female contributor, Judi, who has no problem leaving it all out on the trail and brings a rugged sensitivity to the blog with her posts.
Along with great the contributors comes a healthy amount of comments adding a variety of opinion humor and at times argumentative back and forth that will become bitchy. At times heated enough to warrant a 'time out' by the admin.
DC for years to come will be in the favorites file of anyone who hangs a leg over the top-tube turns a crank and has a drink. Long Live Drunk Cyclist.